I shouldn’t have ignored you. I should of listened to you when you told me to be honest with him. I should of realized that what I was doing was wrong, because the memories are forever stuck in my mind and it’s killing me. I’m sorry. Not because my life is just going downhill and that I can’t see the beauty in things anymore and that I can’t keep my held high anymore. But because I threw away everything that was important to me. He didn’t change but I did. I turned for the worst and I would do anything to go back to how things used to be. I want to remember how blessed I was to have him in my life. I guess I’ve finally hit the point where I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I’m just.. sitting here hoping for an answer. 

I’m proud of you. I really am. I’m happy that you’re achieving your dreams and that you’re going to the college that you want to. Because at the end of the day, that’s what gives me hope that I’ll make it some day. But I’m not going to pretend that I’m not hurt or sad about this. And I’m not going to act like everything’s peachy perfect. I’m sick of losing people in my life. I’m tired of that affecting how I treat the people that are closest to me. I’m tired of being a bitch all the time because I don’t know how to handle my own life. So all I can say is that I’m really done. I’m done for good. 

I wish I was taller. I wish I was one of those girls that all the guys loved. I wish I had the thigh gap. I wish my legs were long and pretty. I wish I had a flat stomach. I wish I had the best metabolism and could eat whatever and still be skinny. I wish I didn’t have a strange side profile. I wish I had long gorgeous hair. I wish I was outgoing and popular. I wish I looked good in makeup. 

Sometimes I just wish I wasn’t me. 

A couple years ago, my brother and I had a talk about our futures. This was around freshman year, when I had to start thinking about what I wanted in my life seriously. I still considered myself immature and young, I still do. But there was always one thing that my brother and I agree with: how we were going to raise our families. 

There’s no doubt that the person I’ll end up marrying will have a personality like my brother’s. He’s my best friend and he’s someone I’m never afraid to go to. He’s the one person I know that understands me better than anyone. And he knows when to listen and when to give me advice. He knows how to get through to me and honestly, he’s the only one I truly trust in the world. But growing up, my brother and I always had a huge part missing. We never had traditions. We never had Christmas trees, family dinners, or any of those things. Maybe it’s because we’re the first generation here. I don’t know. But growing up without those things and seeing how all my friends’ families did, it kind of hurt. I remember my brother telling me, “I don’t care what it takes. I’m not going to let my kids grow up without Christmas lights, carols or trees. They’re going to grow up having everything I wanted as a kid.” I guess that really set a base on how I want to raise my family. I drove down a hill today up at USU where everyone’s families were having picnics and having a great time. I want that for my family.

What people fail to understand is that he was a great boyfriend. He’s everything that all tumblr girls wanted. The hugs from behind, the surprise kisses, the cuddling. He was the “picture perfect boyfriend.” I can honestly say that he did care about me. He knew every little detail about me and he did everything in his will to make sure I trusted him. 

I always blamed the physical part of our relationship for our breakup. The moment I couldn’t fulfill what he wanted, every part of me shut down. And I felt like that was the reason we broke up. It’s stupid, but it took me 8 months to finally come to a conclusion. Things happen. Physical aspects are normal. Yeah, it’s not something I’m totally okay with, but it’s something that will always be there. I did blame him a lot for making me feel uncomfortable and making him seem like the bad guy. But it’s my fault for not being straight forward and saying “Hey, let’s stop for a while.” 

I look back towards the end of our relationship. How things just started to lose emotion. How we both seemed really distant. And how everything between us suddenly became a secret. I won’t lie. It definitely hurt. I fought beyond my comfort zone for him. I did everything I could to keep our relationship alive. But how do you win a guy that already wants something new? How can you continue to fight for someone that doesn’t want to be fought for? 

I guess what I’m trying to say is that yeah, I miss him. I miss being with him. I miss loving him and having that person who actually cared about me. If another opportunity for us came again, it may be hard to convince me,but I definitely might accept it. I’m saying that.. He hurt me. But I’d rather be with him than be with someone who only wants my body. 

ventrantwhatever:

When he found out his newborn niece might not live very long, the hurt in his eyes was painful to look at. It broke my heart. He still hasn’t met her, and I didn’t want to say anything. I know what it’s like to lose a relative. I lost my two of my baby cousins. One that I met and adored like my…

ventrantwhatever:

• when he kisses my neck, just because it tickles.
• when he tickles me, because he just wants to hear me giggle.
• when he sighs and says “i love that laugh.”
• when he tells me i’m beautiful.
• when he tells me i’m irresistible.
• when he tells me he wishes i was with him, where ever he is.
• when he…

I realized that the past couple of weeks, I’ve been having more and more things to say. Although I do want to post these on my main blog, I know how annoying it gets when I have a huge long rant on my blog. So I made this. Just to.. rant. To forget. To relive the memories.